Rachel's tale sheds light on domestic abuse horror

Rachel grew up with the man who was to be her husband and the father of their four children. They met at the age of 5, were childhood sweethearts, went to church together and fell deeply in love.

Never did she imagine that one day he would come home, throw a tantrum in front of their kids after seeing her cooking a meal he didn’t like, drag her by the hair and put a gun in her mouth.

But he did.

“It was chicken cutlets,” she said. “He didn’t like them, but he’d said he wouldn’t be home for dinner that night and the kids loved them.”

But her husband, then a policeman and DARE officer in another New England state, for whatever reason did come home that night and was incensed she'd cooked something he didn't, himself, enjoy.

As he held the gun in her mouth the crackle of his police radio summoned him to a call. As soon as he left, she knew it was probably the beginning of the end of their marriage and the start of a new life for her and her children.

Rachel, who is a professional woman and now lives in Sanford, escaped the ravages of domestic abuse before it took someone’s life as we see played out on the nightly news or in the headlines of newspapers all too often. She left her husband in 1998.

On Thursday night a forum on Domestic Violence presented by Caring Unlimited and the Maine State Police will seek to aid victims of domestic violence by educating them on resources that are available in hopes of averting a needless tragedy.

The forum will be held at the Lebanon Elementary School from 6:30-8 p.m. and will include talks by Clare Fortune-Agan, a Community Educator at Caring Unlimited’s York County Domestic Abuse Resource Center; and State Police Lt. Louis Nyitray, commander of Troop A in Alfred.

Fortune-Agan said every year some 2,500 individuals in York County reach out to her agency through their hotline regarding space at their shelter and other support services.

She said while most people think of the battered wife, domestic victims can be children, men and the elderly. She’s seen victims in their mid-70s.

Domestic abuse does not discriminate, either. The scourge reaches every racial, ethnic, religious and socio-economic strata, she said. “They can be PhD’s and they can be high school dropouts,” Fortune-Agar added.

Rachel, who was married to her husband for about 10 years, said the first incident came about two weeks into their marriage. Her husband was arguing with her about something and suddenly he “cleared the kitchen table.” By clearing it, she meant knocking everything on the floor.

She said he rarely exploded, usually about once every couple of years, but when he did, it often included throwing dishes, pushing her, grabbing her and breaking things.

“People would say, ‘He’s under a lot of stress because of his job,’” she said.

She said alcohol or drugs were never a factor and that being a DARE officer, he never even had liquor in the house.

Fortune-Agan said it’s not unusual for domestic abuse to go on for years and affect every aspect of the victim’s life.

“Oftentimes it will include stalking, contacting them at work and going after custody of the children through the court,” she said.

To that end Caring Unlimited has a whole range of resources that they can call on to help victims of domestic abuse, including court advocates and court attorneys to help with custody issues. They also have an emergency shelter at an undisclosed location in York County as well as 15 transitional units, apartments where victims can reside with their children while they try to put their lives back together again.

There are also weekly support groups in Waterboro, Sanford, Kittery and Biddeford that include free child care.

Nyitray said in the many years he’s been in law enforcement he’s noticed a slight uptick in domestic abuse cases during the holiday, but he thinks economic pressures are now fueling more incidents yearround.

He said tomorrow night’s forum is all about getting folks to understand there are resources out there to help them.

He said laws are in place to curtail domestic violence and the Maine State Police intend to use those laws to protect potential victims and prosecute abusers.

Fortune-Agan said it’s important to get the information out about what her organization can do to help, and what people who see the abuse from the outside can do to help as well.

“We want to focus on the family and friends (of who this is happening to), because they are the closest resource for this person,” Fortune-Agan said. “Sometimes they say, ‘Why don’t you just leave them,’ and that’s not as helpful as other approaches.”

She said such an approach can make the victim feel blame for leaving.

She advises asking the victim open-ended questions like:

“What do you want to have happen?”

“What do you think would be most helpful?”

“How can I help?”

She said also be available for them when they’re ready to talk.

To reach the Caring Unlimited hotline, dial 800-239-7298. To reach their website click here.

The general public, including teenagers, are welcome at Thursday’s forum.